Transcripts: Upcoming Appearances, Chat with Guy, Ian's Tour Diary, Shaggy's Screenplay Idea


LASER WARRIORS:
A Screenplay Idea
By Shaggy Coconut (as dictated to an intern)


Okay, like it opens in space, right? Like just, outer space, like stars and all that shit, right? Bam- laser blasts fly across the screen!!! And we see a ship blow up, right? And then another ship appears. And that ship is full of Laser Warriors, right? They’re like the bad guys- but they’re also the good guys. And that’s the twist, like if Darth Vader was bad AND good, he could be a laser warrior.

Right, pressing on. Cut to a planet. It’s like a weird planet, like everything’s upside down, ‘cause the air is heavier, or lighter, or something. I don’t know, I’m not a bloody scientist, mate. Anyhow, on the planet there’s a bloke, and he IS a bloody scientist. And he says “I’m right fed up gettin’ attacked by laser warriors, right?” ‘Cause like, the laser warriors are always blowing stuff up and ruining the crops and the… you know, like the “space domes” on the planet, where the kids play and people fly around on jet packs and all that shit. And so like the scientist, right, builds a giant space robot that’s also like a space SHIP that can fly into space, but it can also fight and everything, right? And he says “right, we’re going into space in the giant space robot to stop the laser warriors- who’s with me?” And then like a bunch of colorful characters sign on to help stop the laser warriors, right? Like a charming Han Solo type, probably try and get George Clooney for that role. I’d get Harrison Ford, but he’s like 400 years old and I don’t know if we’ve got enough insurance, like if he breaks a hip or something. Anyhow, there’s also this robot, right, and he’s like the comic relief, because he’s like, “oh no, I can’t stand going into outer space and I don’t wanna fight the laser warriors, can’t we just watch tele instead?” Though it won’t be tele, it’ll be like “space tele” or something futuristic like that. Like with holograms, where you’re IN the tele or something. Anyhow, the robot’s funny and like he falls down a lot and gets in trouble. He’s like C3P0, but different, because he won’t be gold. Then there’s a woman and maybe a black guy. And then get this- there’s a gay guy. Right. Ever seen a gay guy in a science fiction movie before? No, didn’t think so. You’re never gonna see something like, “Luke, I’m your father and guess what- I’m also a bender!” Not gonna happen. We’re the first to do it. Though I won’t call him a bender, coz that’s sexist. And this is the future, when people like live in peace and equality and all that shit.

Okay, I haven’t figured out the rest of the story yet, but basically the heroes track down the laser warriors and stop them. And they say, “oi, you’ve gotta stop attacking our space domes and blowing up our planets, mate!!” And the laser warriors say okay, we will. And they live together in peace and harmony and everyone’s happy, right? And the head laser warrior (who I think we can get Michael Caine to play) is like, “today is the dawning of a new era of understanding, right?” And then the robot falls down and everyone laughs and the robot goes “I can’t get a break!” And the movie ends.

I’ve got really high hopes for this. I’m gonna use ALL my Hollywood connections to make this happen. I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve made a few good contacts in my day. I’m good friends with Leonard Nimoy, a.k.a “Dr. Spock,” so that’ll help. And I got drunk with Louis Gosset Jr. at a bat mitzvah a few years ago, so I think that contact will come in handy. Plus I know that bloke who made “Cabin Fever,” and even though when I met him I thought, “oh, he’s a bit of wanker, isn’t he,” if he can help me get my movie made, he’s right as rain with me.

Right then, you go type up those notes and we’ll see what’s what. And remember, next time you’re in outer space, keep your eyes peeled. Because you might just run into… the Laser Warriors!!!!