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Excepts From Ian’s Tour Diary

Please enjoy these excepts from Ian Apple’s tour diary, pieced together from the ramblings he jotted down on cocktail napkins and children’s placemats from roadside restaurants.

January 02 - Denver, CO
Good crowd last night. Americans are always very enthusiastic. One bird lifted her shirt and showed us her earthas. I said “top down luv, you're not at mardi gras and we're not gonna throw you any beads.” Later I saw that same bird coming out of Simon’s room and I know he shagged her rotten. I warned Simon not to get involved with a local, because that just leads to trouble. He said piss off, it’s just a bit of posh, nothing to write home about. I say fine, but if he gets a pubic illness, I’m going insist he use seat covers on the rick from now on. I think that’s only fair.

January 06 – Wilmington, DE
Photo op today with that kid who's got cystic fibrosis or Babe Ruth disease or something like that. I must remember not to scream if the lad touches me, that seems to make people mad. But it can't be helped- handicrippable people give me a bit of a pain in the gulliver. I mean to me, 'legless' still means gettin' bloody elephant's at 2 for 1 pint night at the pub. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for wheelchair ramps, but I saw that movie about the guy who only had one left foot and he did NOT look like a fun bloke to hang around with, know wot I mean?

January 10 – Cincinatti, OH
Okay, memo to me, I’m never going back to the FUCKING “Outback Steakhouse” again. I mean I didn’t even wanna go to the goddamn place, but when we’re in the states, Shaggy ONLY eats in family style restaurants, because he’s convinced that all the other places throw the food on the floor and let it get all covered in bugs, etc. So we’ve been to every “Applebee’s,” “T.G.I. Friday’s” and “Chili’s” in the whole bloody country. And tonight the only place open after the show is the Outback Steakhouse. And already I’m unpleased, because I know Australians, they’re not the most hospitable people in the world and their cuisine is bloody awful. You ask for a sarnie (sandwich) and you get like a koala bear squished in between two pieces of bread, right? Bloody Australia, they might as well still be a penal colony. Anyhow, we get to the Outback Steakhouse. They’re all out of everything, right? Can I have the salmon? No you may not. We’re out. French fries? Non, monsieur, we’re out. Spare ribs? Can’t spare any- because we’re all out. Caesar salad? Well let me tell you, you can hail Caesar, but not his salad- because they don’t fucking have it at the Outback Steakhouse! If that place is the best the Ozzies have to offer, they should have stuck with Paul Hogan and Olivia Newton John. At least he’s sort of funny and she’s got a nice pair of bristols. Well, she did in the 70’s, anyhow. I haven’t seen her in a while and I heard she had cancer or something, so she may not be looking quite as “physical” these days.

January 14 – Worcester, MA

Spent all day in the hotel room, eating vanilla wafers and watching “Quantum Leap” on the tele. I think I’ve finally got it. See, when the bloke leaps into the past, he LOOKS like the guy he leaped into, right? Everyone he meets thinks he’s the guy from the past, but WE see him as Captain Kirk (or whoever he plays on Star Trek). So that’s how come he can leap from time period to time period and not have people going, “Oi, you’re captain kirk, what’re you doing here, mate?!” Because he LOOKS like someone else. That’s bloody marvelous, I love it. It’s a great show and a LOT better than “Battlestar Galactica,” which totally confuses me. I mean are they humans, or aliens, or what?

January 20 – Newport, RI
I must remember to speak with Banandar about his bleedin’ taffy apples, which he leaves lying around half eaten, getting everything all sticky and attracting ants. And though ants can lift proportionately 40 times their own weight, I don’t necessarily want them crawling all over my tour bus. I mean I know I’m guilty of occasionally sticking things where they don’t belong (said the bishop to the alter boy) but Banandar’s bloody taffy apples are getting all over everything and I’m fed up. I mean we’re ALL on the bloody tour bus, mate. We’ve ALL got to get along.

January 23 – Augusta, ME
Okay, I need to talk to Guy about our opening acts, because this is SHIT, plain and simple. No more cover bands. Tonight was the end. I mean NO ONE wants to see a Moody Blues cover band, especially with a name like “The Bluedy Moos.” AND they never even sang “Nights in White Satin,” which is like the only Moody Blues song anyone can name. Then the night before we had “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” that godawful Blue Oyster Cult cover band. And then before that, we had a Christopher Cross cover act. I mean bloody hell, you can get the REAL Christopher Cross for the price of a sandwich, so why are we wasting time with knockoffs? The only opening act I liked was the Peter Cetera impersonator, and that’s because he turned out to actually BE Peter Cetera, which was a nice surprise. What a friendly bloke. And when he belted out that song from “The Karate Kid, Part 2,” there wasn’t a dry eye in the house- my own included. I didn’t even cry at me mum’s funeral, but I cried for Peter Cetera. Because he showed me that love CAN bloom between Ralph Macchio and a Chinese girl. Or Japanese, I forgot what she was exactly.