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Letter from Ian Apple:

Greetings Me Droogies,

Well, those who know me know that I’m not given to wild bouts of hyperbole or exaggeration. But I think it’s safe to say that in the few short months since our website launched, it has gone on to become THE most famous website in the history of the internet. With the possible exception of that site where people go to download photos of Japanese people going to the bathroom on each other. But don’t ask me what the URL of that site is, because I don’t know and I’ve never been there. And you needn’t bother checking my computer for cookies or recently visited web pages, because I know how to clean those now. And anyway, it’s no big deal, the pictures are perfectly harmless (so I hear) and in fact, they do an excellent job of illustrating cultural differences between us and the Japanese. I mean in Japan, dropping your trousers and having a slash on a total stranger is like the same a handshake is over here. I applaud that website (for which I do not know the URL) for being brave enough to take a stand, quite frankly. But again, I wouldn’t know anything about it, because I’ve never been to that site.

In any case, now that we are the #1 site on the internet (according to our research) me mates and I wanted to take a second to thank you all for visiting the site, and for all the kind emails you’ve sent us. We appreciate your thoughts and we encourage you to keep them coming. Even the cruel negative comments, the ones that made Claude cry (and then take to his bed for a week with a Costco sized box of vanilla wafers.) But we won’t tell you not to send such comments, because it takes all kinds of fabric to knit the sweater of life. They’re just words, they don’t bother us. Though words can hit as hard as a fist, according to that public service announcement I saw one time. It was all about how calling your kids names like “fatty” and “spazmo” is basically the same as locking them in a trunk or beating them with a belt. Frankly I’d rather be called fat than locked in a trunk- but to each his own.

But all belt beating aside, thanks again for supporting our site and please do keep checking back for updates, merchandise, personal messages from yours truly, etc. And be sure and sign up for the mailing list to secure your DVD discount, as well as remain in the loop about all things Fruit. Right then, that’s about it for me. I’m off to check my email, maybe play a little online scrabble. But that’s all I’m doing, believe you me. I will certainly NOT be going to that site where you can see pictures of Japanese people going the bathroom on each other. Nor will I be going to that one site where adults dress up like woodland creatures and then do it in the forest, or that one where people post pictures of naked grannies. I think that sort of thing is bang out of order and I have no interest in it. In fact, the only reason I even know about any of those sites is so that I’ll know NOT to go to them, because they’re so wrong. So very very wrong. Yes.

Anyhow, take care, folks. And thanks again for making the most popular website in the world!*

Ian Apple

*With the possible exception of that one site where men dress up like babies and get spanked by women as they suck on giant bottles.